来自：新东方老师多年修改作文的经验汇总
For this part, you are allowed 30 minutes to write a short essay. You should write at least 150 words based on the chart and outline given below:
1. 近十年来X市越来越多的人选择出境旅游
2. 出现这种现象的原因
3. 这种现象可能产生的影响
原文
Travelling abroad
As we can see from the chart, during the past decade, the number of people in X city travelling abroad has increased to over 12,000 in 2005, compared to 4,000 in 2000 and 1,000 in 1995. Twelve times in 10 years, what a sharp rise!
Obviously, this phenomenon is resulted from various factors. In my point, here are the reasons: first and foremost, with the improvement of living level in the city, people can afford to enjoy travelling in a foreign country where they have never been to before. In addition, as the development of travelling industry in the city, travelling abroad is so easy that all you have to do is just sign for it in a travel agency, and they'll prepare everything for you.
Of course, some influences will come along with this trend. So far as I can see, those influences are all beneficial. For one thing, much more about China will be showed to the foreigners, and this may attract them to pay a visit back here. Thus help the travel industry in our own country. For another thing, in order to survive in this competitive situation, travel agencies in China will have to improve their services to meet the needs of customers. That's good news to everyone, I think.
In conclusion, I believe this trend will bring much more advantages than disadvantages to the development of China.
老师的点评
这篇作文写得还算可以，文章内容充实，紧扣主题，考试指令的要求基本都满足了。作者基本上可以用比较连贯的英语表达自己的思想，进行书面交流。虽然在语法结构和用词搭配上都还存在一些问题，但是读者还是可以读得懂的。下面是几点具体的修改建议。
1. 第一段文字写得很顺，问题是出在数字上。可能是看图不仔细，数字都缩小了十倍。
2. 第二段第一句中的动词"result"是不及物的，不能用被动语态，应改为"this increase results from a number of factors"。"Phenomenon"没有错，改成"increase"更为具体，与上文的"rise"呼应，使上下文衔接更紧。第二句中的"In my point"是英文中不存在的搭配，应改为"From my point of view"或"In my view"。其实，这一整句都是废话，因为"reasons"就是重复前面的"factors"。顺带说一句，有些考生为了增加字数，往往用一些没有意义的修饰成分，如"as far as I am concerned", 有的甚至两个连用，如"As far as I am concerned, I think ?"，这样做不但不能加分，反而要失分。接下去，同一句中"the living level"应改成"the living standard(s)"(生活水准)或"the living conditions"(生活条件)。此处作者用"living level"，估计还是受汉语的影响。下文中的"enjoy travelling in a foreign country where they have never been to before"应改成"enjoy travelling to a foreign country they have never been to before"。严格讲，"where"应改成"which"或"that"，省略掉则更好。
3. 第二段第三句中，"as the development of travelling industry in the city, travelling abroad is?"应改成"as the travel industry grows (in the city), travel abroad has become?"。此句中介词短语"as the development of travelling industry in the city"不能做状语，可以改成"with?"，但因为前面刚用了这个结构，不如改成一个从句。同一句中的"sign for it in a travel agency", 较模糊，改为"book a tour at a travel agency"就比较具体。
4. 第三段第三句中的"much more about China will be showed to the foreigners", 宜改为"it will generate much publicity about China"。原句不顺，且被动式不宜多用，应尽量避免。同一段中第四句"Thus help the travel industry in our own country"应改成分词短语，与上句合并。
5. 第四段第一句中的"much more advantages"应改成"many more advantages"。因为"advantages"是可数名词。
修改后的文章
Travelling abroad
As we can see from the chart, during the past decade, the number of people from City X travelling abroad increased to more than 120,000 in 2005, from 40,000 in 2000 and 10,000 in 1995. A 12-fold growth in 10 years, what a sharp rise!
This increase resulted from a number of factors. First and foremost, with the improvement of living standards, people in the city can afford travelling to a foreign country (they have never been to before). In addition, as the travel industry grows, travel abroad has become quite easy. All you have to do is book a tour at a travel agency, and they make all the arrangements for you.
Some unexpected things, however, may accompany this trend. As far as I can see, most of them seem beneficial. For one thing, it will generate much publicity about China, and this may cause foreigners to visit here, helping the tourism industry in our country. For another thing, to survive in this competitive situation, travel agencies in China will have to improve their services to meet the needs of customers. That's good news to everyone, I think.
In conclusion, I believe this trend will bring many more advantages than disadvantages for China's development.
[本贴已被 naonaonaonao 于 2008-11-17 09:51:42 修改过]
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